


Fucking Up for the First Time

by deliverusfromsburb



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F, Post-Sburb, Pre-Relationship, TLC compliant, sometimes life's just like that, sometimes you feel compelled to write 10k for a pairing you've never thought about before or since, trans!roxy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-25
Updated: 2018-10-25
Packaged: 2019-08-07 14:02:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16409825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deliverusfromsburb/pseuds/deliverusfromsburb
Summary: After the game, Roxy wonders if she's ready for a relationship, and Aradia has trouble adjusting.





	Fucking Up for the First Time

**Author's Note:**

> As is becoming a habit, this is compliant with a personal AU and any details that seem off are due to that. The most important piece of context is that the kids changed SBURB using Calliope's powers to make the game a little less brutal for new players.

It’s a slow morning until Aradia Megido swoops in through your open window.

“Holy shit,” you say, spilling cereal over your sheets. “Where’s the apocalypse?”

“I could use your help,” she says. “Are you busy?”

When have you ever been busy? You whiled away most of your time as a kid hobnobbing with carapaces, making up stories inspired by your mother’s books, or waiting for friends to get online. Your session had been one long wait for the gods to arrive, and your victory so far has felt like marking time until the next disaster that has always been lurking around the corner. So no, you’re not busy. Not like Aradia, who darts in and out of the house so much you’ve barely met her. She’s exploring, checking out Earth’s past and future, identifying good brooding cavern locations on the planet where the matriorb will hatch, and scouting the new universe for signs of the game sneaking through. You’d think she did it to avoid the rest of you, but she’s always friendly when she’s around – friendly enough to invite herself into your room via the window.

“For you I’m willing to snub tea with the Queen of England. What brings you to the Rogue’s windowsill? Need something burgled?”

“I _am_ hoping your class can help me out.” Her wings fan in and out. The opacity setting’s down to let her squeeze inside, and they’re mostly the suggestion of color when the light hits them right. “I’ve been looking for signs of SGRUB that might have slipped past us, but the universe is a big place, even when you have plenty of time. I though the Rogue of Void might have better luck pinpointing what I’m looking for in the middle of so much nothing.”

“So I can’t find a needle in a haystack, but if you launch the needle into space I can latch onto that bad boy right away?” It sounds reasonable. You don’t know much about what your powers can and can’t do. Someone mixed with a game guide – even one for a different Aspect – might have a better perspective. “Why not? If I do any more thumb twiddling they’re gonna fall off. When do we leave?”

“How about now?”

 

God tiers can breathe in space. You hang just outside the pull of Earth’s gravity and enjoy the sensation of not burning, freezing, suffocating, irradiating, or any of the other metal ways the vacuum of space usually kills people. It’s stuff like this that makes Jade throw up her hands and grumble. Science has a lot of explaining to do.

With your eyes closed, you try to scan through the near infinite blackness. SBURB is part of you. It reconstituted your body out of light and ash. Surely you can pluck its traces out of the biggest void around.

“I think I’ve got something,” you say. “Cute little planet. Good neighborhood. Nice place to raise the kids. I’ll bring us in.”

The surface is sweltering. You push through jungles lusher than the pictures Jake sent you and jump as huge insects buzz and click past your face. There’s no sight of civilization, and Aradia offers to jump you both forward in time. There has to be sentient life here sometime. Otherwise SBURB wouldn’t have landed.

“Nah,” you say, pushing away some ferns and earning your first glimpse of the frog temple ahead. “No point in riling up the locals. Let’s take a look without interruptions.”

 

When you step inside, Aradia heads right for the carvings. It’s in the reptilian script you recognize from before, and you wish you’d thought to bring along the cipher you all worked out on that last day of the game.

“Sollux is the one who did the translations last time,” she says, running her fingers over the grooves in the stone. They don’t look cut but grown – and they are. No one built this temple. It hatched from a game construct launched from a session that’s paradoxically already underway. “I can’t tell from this whether it’s from the old system or not. We’ll have to take pictures.”

“On it.” Unlike in the Medium, you don’t have a connection everywhere, but you snap a picture and hope you remember to send it to him when you get home. “It’s too bad there’s not a release date stamped somewhere. Sburb 2.0, patched and modded by the alphabet soup session. No need to thank us for the continued health and safety of your civilization. We’re just that dedicated to a good gaming experience.”

“Maybe it says something like that somewhere! I can read the pictograms; it’s the code that’s throwing me.” Her voice trails off as she moves down the wall.

A pebble clatters somewhere behind you, and without thinking you wrap shadows around yourself and flicker back to the doorway. Aradia looks up.

“Thought I heard something,” you say, your face heating up. You totally bailed on her. By about five feet, but that doesn’t matter. Some brave adventurer you are. She’ll never ask for your help again.

“Temples can be spooky sometimes.”

“I wasn’t scared. I’m just on high alert. Can’t let the team anthropologist get carried off by a bunch of bloodthirsty natives. Of course all those stereotypes are pretty racist, since it’s more likely a bunch of natives will get carried off by bloodthirsty anthropologists.” Great, you’re babbling. “Point is, gotta keep on your toes. Look, maybe I should keep in touch, in case something happens and I have to zap us both home. It’ll look bad if I show up in the kitchen and then remember I ditched you a zillion light years away.”

“I can take care of myself, but if it makes you feel better, go ahead.”

You reach to grab her elbow and immediately drop it. “Whoa. You’re running _hot_. I thought DS and Hal were bad with the overloaded computer thing they had going on.”

She shrugs. “I’m low on the hemospectrum. I think you guys are a little chilly, actually!”

“Color-coded _and_ temperature-controlled for your convenience.” You whistle. “You trolls really have bio-organization down pat.” You take her sleeve, loosely.

The two of you walk deeper into the temple. You’d have been in and out by now, but Aradia takes her time and you’re stuck keeping pace with her. It’s not that bad, though. She catches things you wouldn’t, stopping to coo over a butterfly fanning its wings or a patch of emerald moss growing over the stones. She’s also the one who contemplates a statue of good old Bilious Slick for a moment before pressing down on its left eye. There’s a groan of shifting rock, and a passageway opens up at your feet.

“Coming?” she asks, and pulls you down the stairs two at a time.

You leave what was left of the daylight behind you, and you’re debating draining the battery of your phone using it as a flashlight when you hit the bottom. There’s no treasure chest or pit of skeletons, like you might expect at the end of a secret temple passage, but what you do find makes your heart race nonetheless. Two circular platforms. One purple, one gold.

You look at each other. Then, together, you step onto the Derse transportalizer.

And here you are again. The darkness of the Medium spreads out in a sheet of black that looks false with its absence of stars. The purple spires of Derse reach up overhead, and it’s almost like you never left at all.

Without meaning to, you’ve let go. You rise into the air toward a tower that dwarfs most of the other structures on the moon. It’s one of six. When you reach the window, you take a breath and peer in. You’re almost expecting to see a dreamer curled up inside, maybe an evolved form of one of the planet’s insects rolling over and fluttering its wings, but the bed is empty. Of course it is. Any players for this session are a long way from being born.

Your surroundings look hazy. From the corners of your eyes, you can almost see through the Gothic architecture. You get the sense that if you turned your head too fast, huge chunks of the world might not have loaded in. “This is a potential future,” Aradia says when you touch down at her side. “It isn’t certain it’s going to happen yet.”

“I didn’t think it worked that way.”

“It didn’t before. But we’re in a new world order.”

Footsteps ring out in the street, and you see two Dersites coming your way. The halberds they’re bearing look very real. They stop a wary distance from you and gesture in your direction with deliberate motions of their hands. You’re used to this – the carapaces living near your home didn’t speak aloud much either – so it’s your turn to translate. “They want to take us to their queen. I’m not really feeling it. You?”

She shakes her head. “If the layout’s the same, I know the nearest telepad to Prospit. Race you!”

 

You come in a close second, and the transportalizer spits you out on a planet of blinding gold. You take a moment to catch your breath, but as soon as you look up you lose it again. Because Skaia isn’t there.

Maybe it’s because you were a Derse dreamer, but you never liked Skaia. Its light was too harsh, like a fluorescent bulb without a dimming fixture. You’d felt it on the back of your neck with an illumination that had weight.

The light at the center of this session is softer, and it’s filled with colors. Streamers and patches of vivid light flow in undulating patterns through its depths. The chessboard tier one Battlefield isn’t visible through the haze, but you’re reminded of silk curtains drawn around a stage, all color and delicate flow.

“Aradia,” you say, with rainbow lights dancing over your skin, “I think this one’s ours.”

\-- tipsyGnostalgic  opened memo on board Operation Skaiasurp –

CTG: guys  
CTG: we found a session we made  
CTG: n im pleased 2 announce that its SUPER GAY

A system develops. You locate SBURB artifacts scattered throughout the universe and drop temporary transportalizers on site somewhere no wildlife is likely to stumble into. Then Aradia takes her crack team of amateur archaeologists/ruins pillagers to check it out and bring back the information Sollux needs to make a call. If there’s access to a potential session, Rose expands her walkthrough with scraps of lore and information from agents willing to talk. She suggested bringing the sprites for their game guide insight, but Hal hasn’t taken her up on it yet, and Davesprite refused in terms that another mother might wash his mouth out for.

Aradia doesn’t need to tag along on your location jobs, but she does usually. You’re grateful – it’s nice to have the company. There’s not much lonelier than outer space.

You need to be somewhere quiet and separate to focus, but floating in a void gets boring, which has led you to your favorite surveillance spot.

The Mare Cognitum stretches out before you in an expanse of dust and blasted rock. The surface beneath you should burn you (or freeze you? You’re not sure of the details – maybe it’s both) but being a literal goddess has its perks. “

“You know, footprints here don’t fade,” you say, drawing a smiley face in the dust. “There’s gonna be a really confused rover rolling around here someday, trying to figure out who’s been walkin on the moon with converse. And poor NASA’s still trying to explain the stars.”

Aradia nods, eyes fixed on the Earth. Your home planet looks fragile as a dreambubble in the distance. The sight hasn’t gotten old yet. It makes the trip worth it, even if you have to get a full brush-down when you return. Jade freaked when you bragged about hanging on the Moon (“There’s no erosion there; the dust particles are nightmares on a molecular level! You can’t bring that back here for people to breathe in”) and now you have to pass inspection before being released into the general population. Still, it’s worth it, you think, as you tap your feet and send clouds of dust rising in your own localized atmosphere, each mote beautiful and invisibly deadly.

“It’s quiet here,” Aradia says.

“Well, yeah. We’re the only people in thousands of miles. There are radio waves bouncing around, though.” You put a hand to your ear. “How delayed are those? Think we could catch the Beatles?”

“That too. But I meant no one’s died here.”

“I forgot you heard dead people. Is that all the time?”

“No. And Earth is better than Alternia. There was a lot of violence there. We sent adults off planet, which cut back on the death count, but it also meant most of them were children. That made it harder to reason with them.” She points toward Earth. “Have you seen that house a block down from us with the yellow window shades? There’s a spirit there. An old woman died peacefully in bed. She’s staying around to watch over her descendants. She hasn’t moved on yet, but she’s happy. I’ve never seen that before.”

A whole planet, and not one person who died in peace. “I can’t decide if you’d love or hate museums,” you say out loud.

“Museums?”

“They’re like… whole buildings full of old shit. Art, or dinosaur bones, or whatever. You can go look at them and read about where they came from.”

Her eyes light up. “A catalogue of the past?”

“Sort of. I’ve never been to one myself, obviously. Unless you count my house.” You’d felt like you lived in a museum sometimes. Everything was an exhibit of a world that no longer existed. Sometimes, especially after talking to Jane, you felt more like you were living in a crime scene, surrounded by pieces of evidence you could use to piece together a narrative of your mother’s last years. You weren’t trying to identify the culprit – you knew who’d done it. The person you searched for scraps of information on was the victim.

She jumps to her feet. “We should go! I’d love to see it.”

“Can’t you look at Earth’s past by going there?”

“Yes, but seeing how people interpret it in the present is just as interesting.”

“If you say so.” You get up and dust yourself off as best you can. Jade will do the final scan. “We’ll do a group trip. I think everyone will be glad to get out of the house.”

 

It takes some coaxing, but eventually everyone agrees. You see stirring the group up as one of your sworn duties. Jane got on your case for being the team’s party girl. In the bowels of a planet shaking itself apart, she’d accused you of never taking anything seriously. But sometimes people need levity. During SBURB, the sheer shittiness of your situation hadn’t had a chance to fully hit you, not when you needed to stay alive. After the game, the weight finally landed, and you all dealt with it in different, terrible ways. The worst is past, but it’s better to keep people occupied. The problems start when they have time on their hands. Your enthusiasm isn’t faked, either – you’ve never been to a place like this before.

Even with your more notable members incognito, a horde of teenagers entering the museum raises eyebrows. You’re not their main age bracket. Before the guards can decide to follow you around, you spread out. Terezi trails behind, stubbornly trying to read the Braille labels. She’s been teaching herself, since plain black text is harder for her to sniff out than the color coded kind. She has to keep smacking Dave away, who pretends to read the labels and makes up ridiculous stories instead while Karkat mutters along to the audio guide. Kanaya sits down in the Impressionist gallery like she’ll never move again.

You leave Rose locked in a staring contest with an extremely creepy statue of a tiny man and drag Aradia off to the museum’s one mummy. You figure if anything’s going to be haunted, it’s that.

“Nothing,” she says.

“Really?”

“Nope!”

“Man, the guy’s gonna want his money back. Some afterlife he got. It would’ve been sweet to get to visit all the world’s museums, even if you do have to deal with a bunch of class tours rubbing their noses on the glass.”

“This is how some of your cultures sent off the dead?” She bends down to look at the peeling hieroglyphics. “It’s fascinating. They knew how to throw a corpse party.”

“Biggest damn corpse party around.”

You follow her through room after room (John and Jane challenged each other to find the grossest baby Jesus and almost crash into you while racing through the Medieval section) and she stops in front of an oil painting. “Is that haunted?” you ask. “Will the eyes start following us around Scooby Doo style?”

“It’s not haunted, but…” She peers closer. “The creator left a little bit of themselves behind, and I can feel it. They must have loved their work very much.”

The painting is from four hundred years ago. You try to imagine making something with so much love someone can still feel it, that much later.

Your path takes you out to a main courtyard, and Aradia sinks down on the edge of a fountain. “This is incredible,” she says. “I wish we’d had something like it on Alternia. Some highbloods collected memorabilia, but it wasn’t organized like this, and we couldn’t come visit whenever we wanted.”

“Maybe that can be a career goal, now that we’re all cogs in the capitalist machinery again. Can’t keep living off Jane’s inheritance forever.”

“Career?”

“You know, job?” You wave a hand vaguely. Real World Twenty-First Century TM shenanigans are something you’ve only studied in the abstract. “What you do when you grow up so you can pay for shit. Of course that involves going to school usually, which would be an accomplishment for most of us.”

“This can be a job?”

“Someone has to do it. What did you guys do on your planet?”

“Lowbloods like me would get assigned menial tasks in support of the Empire’s basic functions. If we showed useful skills we’d be conscripted into the Empress’s forces to conquer new worlds. With my powers, I’m sure they’d want me.” She shivers and dips her fingers into the water. “They’d want Sollux too.”

“What, there’s a demand for tech skills there too?”

“Something like that. So you can choose here? What would you pick?” she asks, a little too brightly.

You shrug. “Growing up in the future there weren’t many career options except fisherwoman and apocalypse gear model. Now... I dunno. I kinda liked messing around with the frog’s DNA back on our last day in the game, making all those tiny little changes that made huge differences. I know it’s not like that in real life, but genetics might be cool. Making something besides mutant kitties. Maybe I could cure non-universe cancer.”

“That sounds neat.”

It does. You hadn’t voiced it before, but now that you have, you wonder why it hadn’t occurred to you. There are lots of ways to make the world a better place. Sometimes you change the way the whole multiverse system works, but sometimes you can work a little closer to home.

 

A few weeks later, you visit Calliope while she’s touching up the latest comics pages she and Jake have drawn. Almost everyone has been a guest artist for them; who can say no to that face? Someday soon your Catwoman expy will bust out of prison again. Her colors are more muted and smudgy than usual. Still lifes and landscapes were her favorites at the museum, but she liked Impressionism too.

“I wanted to ask you,” she says. “Next time you go to one of those sessions that belongs to us, can I come?”

“They’re kinda boring,” you say. It kills you knowing you’re in a universe where Calliope will grow up bullied and alone and time has tied your hands. All your instincts say not to let her near another game session.

She frowns. She can tell when you’re babying her, and she always puts her foot down. “You all helped, but I made it in the end. I want to know I did it right.”

In the end, you cave, like you always do. (Jane got talked into letting her buy a whole tub of edible glitter on the last shopping trip.) The first session you located is only a transportalizer hop away. You don’t let go of Calliope’s hand the whole time. If anything goes wrong, she’s not getting left behind. When she sees the replacement Skaia up above you, she gasps, and you tighten your grip on her fingers.

“Can you… talk to it?” you ask after she’s been staring, rapt, for a few minutes. “Is it you?”

She blinks, jarred out of whatever trance she was in. “Oh! No. It’s not like that. It’s not a person. Skaia wasn’t the other me either, exactly. It was more… a way of thought that had been installed. Closer to an AI, although nothing as advanced as Hal of course. It doesn’t have a soul. It’s the same thing here.” She floats upward, and you bob along after her. “I can see what influences I left behind, but it’s chosen its own way to develop. It looks like painting water.” Before you have time to worry about the consequences, she dips her hand into the lights. The colors swirl around her fingers and form the suggestion of shapes. It looks like two people standing on a foreign landscape, but before you can make out the details the image breaks apart again.

“Not as high def as the clouds,” you say.

“It’s not fixed.” She pulls her hand out, and you almost expect her fingers to be streaked with color. Of course, they’re clean. “It _is_ like paints. There’s the base materials, but you can make different pictures yourself.”

“Possibilities.”

Calliope sinks downward to stand on the gold brick walkway, and you settle next to her. “That’s what we fought for.”

You squeeze her hand. “You did good.”

“You found this place with Aradia?” she asks.

“Yup.”

She nods, eyes tracking the swirls overhead. “Hmm.”

“Hmm what?”

Calliope shrugs. “Nothing!”

“Bull _shit_. You said that hmm intentionally. But two can play at that game.” You turn your head. “I’m ignoring you.”

“I am a chronicler, Roxy. I like to know what’s going on so I can take good notes.”

“You mean you want to stick your nose into all our biz. Well, I’m not having it.”

She keeps her expression professional. “Is there what you would refer to as “biz”?”

Is there? You hadn’t thought about it. You guess… you don’t mind hanging out with her. Any day when she shows up asking if you want to check out a new planet is a good one. She’s got a nice laugh. But beyond that… You’ve had so many false starts it’s hard to distinguish between genuine attraction and your latest desperate crush. You’d committed to taking it easy for a while to “find yourself” or some shit instead of chasing after people just because you don’t want to be alone. How do you tell when that process is over? Does a little light go on; does the oven ‘ding’ and say ‘Roxy’s ready’? The problem with self-development is that there’s no echeladder, and no one hands you an achievement badge. You have to gauge those kinds of things on your own.

The pause has been dragging on too long. This calls for drastic action. “Oh no, the gravity on this planet is way too high,” you say, collapsing on her shoulder. “I can’t stand up.”

Calliope is sturdy despite her slight frame. Your weight doesn’t make her stumble. “I’ll take this as a no comment, then.”

“Damn straight.” You slouch a little more for good measure and then stand up. “If there ends up being something solid to comment on, which at the moment there is not, you’ll get the scoop from me. But until then, no sensational tabloid journalism, ok ma’am? You have ethics to consider.”

“Cross my hearts,” she says solemnly.

“Double the protection. I dig it.” You shake your head. Now that Calliope’s introduced the idea, you can’t seem to knock it loose. “Let’s get out of here before some chess people think we belong in jail.”

TG: hey jane  
TG: wut activities might u recommend for introducing an eligible alien bachelorette to the wide world of humanity  
TG: i ask bc uve appointed urself seeing eye human 2 ur own space invader  
TG: evn tho i swear she gets around better than most of us ffs  
GG: Still sour about her getting the last cupcake? :B  
TG: that cupcake had my name on it and u kno it  
GG: You snooze, you lose!  
GG: We watched your future torrent of Broadchurch last night.  
TG: ok ur translation thing is totes adorbs but a  
TG: thats not rly introducing her to the WORLD  
TG: and b  
TG: i dont need competition from david tennants face  
GG: What about Jodie Whittaker?  
TG: she was p cute as the 13th doctor ngl fashion choices aside but shes 2 woeful in that one 4 my tastes  
GG: Wait, what??  
TG: WHOOPS  
TG: pretend i didnt say anything bc SPOILERS :X  
GG: :/  
GG: Just to make sure I’m not off base, we’re talking about Aradia here, right?  
TG: mayb  
GG: So you two are an item now?  
TG: no  
TG: i mean  
TG: not rly  
TG: weve been hanging out  
TG: n then callie IMPLIED there might be something goin on and I thought welllll  
TG: u kno  
TG: shes cute + fun + im super single  
TG: so why not give it a shot rite  
GG: Why not indeed.  
GG: As for a grand tour of humanity, I don’t know.  
GG: What does she like?  
TG: shes down 4 everything thats the problem  
TG: if i set her loose shed probably come back having joined the circus  
TG: or the mob  
TG: anything fuckin goes  
GG: You’ve been out beyond the solar system so much, I doubt there’s anything that exciting to see here.  
GG: Maybe you should just treat her to... a regular day out!  
GG: Show her what you two have been missing gallivanting around in outer space.  
TG: hm  
TG: mayb  
TG: btw when r u gonna make ur ““““thing”””” official n stop wanderin around the perimeter tryin not 2 set the proximity lights off  
GG: I don’t know!  
GG: When are you going to admit you’re angling for tips on a date?!  
TG: hey now  
GG: How does that old rhyme go?  
GG: Roxy and Aradia, sitting on the moon.  
GG: K-I-S  
TG: H-A-V-I-N-G personal + emotional conversations that r none of ur damn business n shouldnt b construed from  
TG: u big buffoon <– rhyme scheme bitches  
TG: but like  
TG: in strict confidence  
TG: comin from someone who walked u thru the BISIS and so deserves some fuckin respect here  
TG: were u gettin vibes of any sort off her  
TG: by any chance  
GG: Roxy, she’s spent maybe a month tops on the planet!  
TG: uh huh  
TG: and ur gettin vibes off ME bc im the desperate loser who tried to mack on john 2 seconds after meeting him  
GG: I can’t believe you’ve set your sights on every possible interpretation of my father figures.  
TG: lol i do it JUST 2 annoy u  
GG: And I wasn’t going to say that! I just haven’t seen the two of you interacting that much, is all.  
GG: The problem before was that you felt lonely, right?  
GG: That’s what you told John, that you were looking for a relationship so there would be someone for you.  
GG: Do you still feel lonely?  
TG: nah  
GG: I should hope not! We’re bursting at the seams here.  
GG: You spent all of yesterday holed up with Dirk and Jade working on those transportalizers.  
TG: it wouldve gone faster if sollux had helped instead of complaining about how i beat him @ mario kart  
TG: ‘this game looks like it was programmed by a wiggler smearing its own droppings on its hiveblock walls’ my ass i won fair and square  
GG: Oh, is THAT why I saw him playing that game at 2 am this morning?  
GG: Karkat was his competitor, but I don’t think it was much of a contest.  
TG: trainin 4 a rematch huh  
TG: he can try  
TG: earths champion will remain unquestioned  
TG: damn tho 2 am is like peak wildlife sighting time in the living room  
GG: They haven’t quite shaken being nocturnal!  
GG: Anyway if you’re not feeling lonely, maybe this is authentic.  
GG: Maybe you really do like her.  
GG: You wouldn’t be the first among us to seek out an extraterrestrial paramour!  
TG: no i would not ;) ;)  
TG: (wonking intensifies)  
GG: Hush, you!  
GG: How come we haven’t had to watch you go through one of these “bi crises”?  
GG: If I recall, you spent most of your time singing the praises of the menfolk earlier in our adventure.  
TG: the menfolk  
TG: u did it jane u singlehandedly got rid of any attraction i had 2 them good job  
TG: no no jk jk  
TG: like  
TG: idk  
TG: part of it was i didnt want to weird u out  
GG: Ah yes, dear sweet Jane who can’t handle the truth again.  
TG: look u barely grasped the concept of bisexuality!!!  
TG: i didnt want u treatin me weird ok???  
GG: I would never have done that to you.  
TG: not INTENTIONALLY  
TG: but r u SURE u wouldn’t be like ‘w8 r u hittin on me then’ or some shit  
GG: …  
GG: Maybe. I could cram my foot in my mouth with the best of them sometimes.  
GG: So it was all a ruse for my benefit?  
TG: not entirely  
TG:  u kno I was tryin so hard 2 b what the empress didn’t want me 2 b  
TG: + part of that was embracing the conventional 21st century girl routine  
TG: which is also unfortunately super het most of the time  
TG: dunno y i was tryin 2 prove myself 2 an evil alien witch + loads of dead peeps but there u go  
TG: let her wall me in2 a corner there unfortunately  
TG: but evn if i wasnt as DIRECT about it  
TG: i always knew  
TG: ppl r hot janey  
TG: loads of ppl r so hot n im not gonna discriminate there  
GG: Aradia does have some charm.  
GG: It can’t hurt to try it out.  
GG: Have a day planetside! See the sights.  
TG: mayb ur right  
TG: doin something NORMAL might sort some shit out  
TG: c if she actually likes hangin w/ me or is comin out just 2 b polite  
GG: Good luck.  
GG: And Roxy?  
TG: ye  
GG: I think anyone should be happy to hang with you. :)  
TG: <3

It’s hard to decide what to show as examples of “daily life” when it’s all strange to you too. In the end, you elect to wander. The two of you stroll downtown, drifting toward storefronts or flowerbeds whenever something catches your interest. It’s too bad malls died out. They’d be perfect for this kind of activity.

You’re still not used to big crowds, but you breathe deep, straighten your spine, and remind yourself you’re a god. Aradia, on the other hand, loves it. She strikes a pose mimicking a mannequin and exclaims over a set of tiny measuring cups. Watching her, something inside you unspools. You’re not a god or an outsider; you’re just two girls checking out some stores. For all anyone knows, you’re on a shopping trip.

“Hey,” you say, reaching for something familiar. “Want to stop by a makeup counter?”

 

It’s different actually sitting down at one of these things instead of nabbing what looks good with your appearifier. You don’t know which sample to try out first. Luckily there’s a self-service option with a bunch of temporary applicators. You don’t want some sales person messing with your face. “Hey,” you say, grabbing a tube of lipstick. “I bet this would look great on you.”

Aradia takes it, and her eyebrows rise. “Gold? That’s a high caste marker. If I wear cosmetics, I’m supposed to wear my colors. Or my moirail’s, if I had one.”

“They regulated makeup? Truly a sign of a dystopia.” You pick through the available samples to see if you can find any of your favorites. “Normally I wouldn’t recommend gold with gray, but you’ve got warm enough undertones. Now Terezi? No way.”

She uncaps the lipstick and eyes it. “You’re good at this.”

“Learned by watching old Youtube tutorials and ganking samples from makeup counters in the past. Callie liked it too, so we bonded a lot. Of course I didn’t know then she was covering up the whole skull alien thing. I just thought she was insecure. Who wouldn’t be, with her jerkass bro calling her ugly all the time?”

She doesn’t need to know all the details. Only Dirk and Calliope know everything, although you’ve kinda sorta mentioned it to Jake and Jane, not that you think they fully understood. You hadn’t aspired to Platonic girldom only to rub it in the Empress’s face. It’s funny how applying the trappings of femininity from a dead civilization could still ease your dysphoria a little, even though it’s not like a bunch of judges from Ladies Weekly were watching and nodding in approval. You’re in a God Tier body now, every cell fresh baked and new. No clerk is going to steer you away from the women’s section.

“How does it look?” Aradia asks, jolting you out of your thoughts. She’s found some sort of glittery eyeshadow too and managed to get it on perfectly. It looks great on her.

“You’re pretty,” you say out loud, and then regret it. You didn’t mean to sound surprised. It’s just that Aradia has always been Aradia. She hits you with her personality first, and that overpowers everything else.

She doesn’t get offended, but she sure gets even. “You’re prettier than I thought at first too.”

Your smile drops. “Gee, thanks.”

She frowns. “Did I say something wrong?”

“Not if that’s what you meant to say.”

“I try to say what I mean. It’s good to be honest.” Her gilded lips twist into the closest you’ve ever seen to a frown from her. “But sometimes people don’t seem to like it. You humans look so different. It took getting used to. I mean, your hair’s _light_ , and you’re not even old. Once you get over that, though, it makes for a nice picture.”

“Do you wanna frame me?”

She hesitates. “Did I mess up again?”

“Nah, I’m messin with you. It’s ok if you’re blunt, god knows Jake’s noshing on his foot all the time and we still love him, toenail breath and all. Our gang could use a lil more plain speaking. Just go easy on my self esteems, ok?”

“Ok…” She drops her latest applicator into the used cup and clears her throat. “Is there a mirror?”

You find one for her, and she giggles at her reflection. “I look like I’m pretending to be an Heiress.”

“Come on, your fishy highness,” you say. “Let’s check out the park.”

 

A rack of city bikes for rent stands near the entrance to the park, and she rushes over. “Two wheeled transportation devices! I haven’t used one of these since I was a wiggler.”

Jane’s been busy practicing to get her license, but John has coached you on a few wobbly laps around the neighborhood. How hard can it be? You’re a god, for fuck’s sake. “I’ve got some change. Want to try them out?”

It takes a circuit of the park before you’re moving smoothly, but your confidence grows with every minute. Even if Aradia learned on another planet, she hasn’t forgotten. She careens past you, laughing maniacally, and you pedal faster to catch up. “Watch out for the curve!” you yell, but it’s too late. She skids off into the grass, leans so hard to the left you think she’s going to flip over, and then crashes into a pond, sending a flock of ducks flapping for safety.

She’s God Tier just like you, but you still turn an ankle jumping off and running over. “Are you ok?”

She’s still laughing, sitting down in the water with her knees green with pond slime and her hair hanging in dark tangles around her shoulders. The gold lipstick, against all odds, has hung on. Damn good product design. “That was great!”

“No rainbow sparklies, so I guess you got off easy.”

“I’ve taken much harder knocks than this.” She stands up, dripping muddy water. “I’d better rescue the bike, though.”

You’re both wheeling them back onto the path when you see the orange vests of park security. “Uh oh.” Maybe you should stay and explain yourselves, but years of dodging drones has made you suspicious of law enforcement, and you don’t want humans asking Aradia too many questions. Hell, you don’t know if you could answer all that many. You’re practically an alien temporally. If you woke up from a faint to someone asking you who the president was, you’d have no idea. “Want to run for it?”

Aradia doesn’t answer, just drops her bike and sprints for the trees.

You follow, and you’re both laughing hysterically between breaths. Aradia keeps gasping “They’re after us” with the glee of a kid running into a toy store. The security officers don’t bother following you – you see them stop to collect your bikes – but neither of you stop running until you collapse against a mossy boulder deeper into the woods. You press your hands against your thighs and catch your breath, while Aradia’s giggles die down.

“Now that was more like Alternia,” she says. “They wouldn’t cull us if they caught us here, would they?”

“What? No, no way.” Is that why she’d run so fast? “They might check to see if we were drunk and kick us out. We don’t kill people for existing here.” Then again... John told you about being followed by the clerk the last time he went to a gas station for a soda. Rose holds Kanaya’s hand in public like a challenge. “It’s not as obvious as the hemospectrum,” you say at last. “It’s not supposed to work that way. Sometimes it does, though.” Is that better? At least Alternia was up front about listing off who got protection and who got killed. Here, they pretend things don’t work that way, but kids end up dead all the same. “It’s not paradise.”

“Nowhere is.”

You run your fingers over the boulder. Someone, sometime, scratched their initials into it. “Maybe once I’ve lived here longer I’ll want to keep looking for something better. But I guess it hasn’t lost its shine yet. Like, maybe people suck, but you know what sucks more? Being one of the only people on the planet.”

Her gaze snaps over to you. “Do you think that’s why I leave so often?”

You hadn’t meant it that way. Once she’s brought it up, though... she does bail pretty regularly. “I don’t know. Almost as soon as we got here you were zooming off to the past or the future or other planets. Did you get sick of us that quickly?”

“No, not at all!” She tucks a waterlogged strand of hair behind her ear. “But there’s so much to see, even if I have all the time in the world. I got excited.”

“You’d think you’d seen a lot already. You were bumping around in everyone’s memories, right?”

“I guess so. But the dream bubbles aren’t real, exactly, and in SGRUB I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to appreciate the sights. Back on Alternia I was a peasant class. I had to be careful exploring because I might risk being attacked. Traveling isn’t safe for the lower castes. Now…” she spreads her arms. “I have a chance.”

“I spent my whole life staring at the same bit of ocean. So I get wanting to see something else. But I’m worried if I leave for too long, they’ll keep making friends without me, and I won’t be able to catch up, you know?”

It’s easy to feel that way when for so long your only presence in your friends’ lives was a flashing icon on a computer screen. If they didn’t want to talk, they could click you away. In the session, you’d felt worthy of your Aspect, fading into the background while everyone spiraled around the Jake English event horizon. Being technically doomed makes it worse. You know they won’t turn you away, but you can’t help worrying the timeline will suddenly catch on and expel you, or you’ll come back from a trip to space and they’ll have forgotten you after all.

“My friends and I have spent a long time together,” Aradia says, snapping you out of morbid daydreams. “Not those versions, exactly, but almost every other. Actually, it’s nice to spend time with someone new.”

“I can see where you’re coming from. I mean, I don’t have five billion friend memories, but we’ve got baggage. Hells of baggage. Imagine one of those movie timeskips with all the spinning headlines.” Those exist, too. The Derse tabloids had started out writing nasty rumors about Jake and Jane, but they labeled you and Dirk traitors soon enough. “Drama, drama. But it’s not enough that I ever wanted to run away, or at least not for long.”

“I’m not running away!”

“I meant for me,” you say, although it sounds like you’ve touched a nerve.          

Aradia leans against the boulder and shifts away from you. “When I visit other places, I’m not passing judgment on your planet, or on you,” she says. “Maybe we just have different priorities.”

The comment sounds like a rebuke, and it stings. Why would you be a priority to this girl from outer space, anyway? You only met a few months ago. And yet… admit it or not, she’s becoming a priority to you.

Chalk one more up to the not interested column, you think. Out loud, you say, “Want to go home? The security people might remember to do their jobs and track us down.”

“Ok.” Aradia looks back at you and smiles, but in your eyes at least, it looks forced. “Thanks for showing me around. It was nice.”

“Anytime,” you say. What you don’t say is, if you stay.

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] started pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] \--

TG: hey mom lil help here  
TT: I’m the mother today?  
TG: yup bc i need guidance  
TT: Ok, let me put on my required string of pearls.  
TT: Mental, emotional, or spiritual?  
TG: do i gotta pick  
TT: Generic guidance it is.  
TG: hows dating an alien goin  
TT: Swimmingly.  
TT: I’ve leveled up to being able to unironically express affection without my face heating to the boiling point.  
TT: It’s my part to slow global climate change.  
TG: im proud of u  
TT: Thank you.  
TG: so i was wonderin if the 2 of u evr have misunderstandings  
TG: u kno communication probs that come from like  
TG: CULTURAL HIJINKS  
TT: Ceaselessly.  
TT: At least the two of us didn’t have to work through the “murder as a competitive sport” cognitive dissonance.  
TT: To put it in her words, Kanaya is “The Weak Bitch Who Is Only Down With Murder When Absolutely Necessary And Even Then I Prefer Not To Get My Clothes Dirty”  
TG: of all of us arent u the bitch most down with murder  
TG: evn if technically jade n jane got u beat  
TT: I may in fact be that bitch.  
TT: Or I’m all talk. Hard to say.  
TG: yeah i think janes had 2 have the whole murder as a cultural value talk but i was thinkin more like  
TG: idk  
TG: priorities  
TG: r they not super social  
TG: do they not grasp the concept of TALKING or HAVING FUN  
TT: Allegedly trolls are not a social race.  
TT: There tends to be a lot of infighting. There used to be twelve of them, remember?  
TG: ye we hung out w/ their corpses  
TT: It can make them struggle with interaction.  
TT: Something we of course excel at.  
TG: totes  
TT: Kanaya was worried making me talk about my feelings would push us in the wrong quadrant.  
TT: Part of that was her personal history, though. It’s complicated.  
TT: We all have our neuroses.  
TG: ok ok now sidenotev  
TG: this isnt rly important xcept for like  
TG: my personal self esteems  
TG: did kanaya evr think u looked weird  
TG: u kno since ur not a troll  
TT: Hang on, let me text her.  
TT: She says, “You Looked Strange At First But I Got Used To It”.  
TG: harsh  
TT: The betrayal.  
TT: The heartbreak.  
TT: Etc.  
TT: Does that answer your question?  
TG: i guess????  
TG: idk aradia was kinda super blunt but im not sure she meant it that way???  
TG: she seemed surprised i got touchy about it so i guess i was overreacting  
TT: You realize they have different personalities too, right?  
TT: Although bluntness does seem to be common.  
TG: shouldnt xpect were poster hotties for another species  
TG: maybe alternia didnt have a devoted cadre of monsterfuckers just waitin 4 their chance  
TT: Their depravity knows some bounds.  
TT: Also,  
TT: Dave says if you shack up with an alien he’s disowning you.  
TG: which one  
TT: Which do you think?  
TG: ily kiddo but maybe well gang up on u and disown U instead  
TG: how do u like them apples  
TT: i hate this family  
TG: b a good son and give rose her keyboard back  
TT: I’m on my phone, actually.  
TG: what is he evn doing there  
TT: The five of us are playing Scrabble.  
TT: John just deployed the Q on a triple letter score. Things are getting heated.  
TG: and uve got me on speaker  
TT: No, I think he caught a glimpse of my screen while trying to spy on which letters I have.  
TT: I’m not actually spelling out your personal business on the board.  
TT: Jade wants to know if you had fun on your date, by the way.  
TG: for FUCKS sake  
TT: This household keeps no secrets.  
TG: it was FINE EVERYTHINGS FINE  
TG: weifjsdlk  
TG: heres a bunch of letters for ur scrabble game im out  


Not long after your “date”, Aradia fucks off into nowhere again. You’ve been spending a lot of time out in space yourself, so you try to distract yourself by hanging out with everyone else. Can’t afford to miss out on whatever in-jokes have sprung up lately. There’s nothing worse than being left out of the latest household meme.

It goes alright. Jade’s been teaching you to read music. Calliope wants help brainstorming her Halloween costume. Davesprite trashes Alternians for your benefit until you tell him to knock it off. But when you find yourself at loose ends, you get testy. Being alone isn’t a value marker. You know that. At least, you hope you do. But it’s oh so easy to feel like it’s a judgment made by everybody else.

You’re not sure why you’re sulking so much. You’ve been rejected before. Of course, John was a crush born of one shared, terrible experience, and he’s a good friend now. Deep down you’d always known Dirk was off limits. Maybe it hurts this time because you thought you might have a chance, that someone might actually like you, and then they left the whole planet to get away. Serves you right for hoping.

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] started pestering timaeusTestified [TT] \--

TG: hey wanna hang out  
TT: I’d love to, but I’m on dinner duty tonight.  
TT: I’ve got like twenty recipe websites open now, and I think my internal monologue has been replaced by a middle aged white woman who’s losing interest in her marriage.  
TT: Then I have to get Jane to drive me to the store before she coaches me through things like boiling water.  
TT: Didn’t you remember? You’re usually first in line to watch me humiliate myself in the kitchen.  
TG: idk  
TG: guess i thought maybe SOMEONE in this house of like TWENTY FUCKIN PEOPLE might be free 2 spend time w/ me  
TT: Uh.  
TT: Wait, seriously, is everyone else gone?  
TG: i dunno  
TG: feels like it  
TG: or mayb im just used 2 getting ditched lately  
TG: like the last stick of gum in the package chucked out the car window n oozing pink goo all over in the gutter  
TT: This Aradia thing has really gotten to you, huh?  
TG: no its fine im over it  
TG: i dont know how srs i even was it was prolly another of my stupid infatuations bc some1 looked at me  
TG: and shes not interested so wutevr  
TG: im just bored  
TT: Trust me, I don’t prioritize you over this fucking recipe odyssey.  
TT: However, I also would rather not get eaten alive by a bunch of people asking where their dinner is.  
TT: I’m minimizing the tab, though. You’ve got my full attention.  
TT: Do you want me to come upstairs?  
TG: no not if its gonna be some psychoanalysis session  
TG: thats the LAST thing i want  
TT: I haven’t been treating you like that, have I?  
TG: no!!  
TG: its not ur fault its just  
TG: shed rather be zippin around in space than here with us n when i brought it up she basically said i wasnt a priority 2 her  
TT: Just like that?  
TG: i mean  
TG: MORE OR LESS  
TT: Lest I talk about myself, this sounds a little like the problem I had with Jake.  
TG: which 1  
TT: Jesus.  
TT: When he started getting distant, I assumed it was something I’d done.  
TT: And then I overreacted by clinging tighter like a shellshocked ball python, because I was terrified of him slipping away.  
TT: If I’d asked him why he was backing off, and he’d told me he needed some space, maybe we could’ve skipped some of the resulting interpersonal bloodbath.  
TG: whoa whoa slow down  
TG: r u  
TG: dirk MOTHERfuckin strider  
TG: tryin 2 give me relationship advice  
TT: It’s not from me.  
TT: I’m paraphrasing a demiurge who looked down upon me from his golden snake-throne and in the hissing language of Heart itself said,  
TT: “Talk to your ex, you piece of shit.”  
TG: lmao is that rly what he said  
TT: There was more poetry involved.  
TG: quote it to me xactly i wanna hear this  
TT: I didn’t write it down.  
TT: The exact words were lost in the overall sentiment of the moment.  
TG: which was pants shitting terror  
TT: Actually by that point I was more annoyed that one more fucking game construct was passing judgment on my life choices.  
TG: 2 pissed 2 b afraid  
TG: ur natural defense mechanism  
TT: Whatever works.  
TT: He was right, though.  
TT: We weren’t holding hands and prancing through a field of daisies after talking it out, but it did make things better.  
TG: i mean  
TG: u were KINDA holdin hands  
TG: if only 2 not die  
TT: I don’t think that counts.  
TG: the fact remains  
TG: so ur sayin  
TG: i should ask her y shes avoidin me + the planet earth  
TG: evn tho last time i broached the subject she flipped out  
TT: Yeah, maybe.  
TT: If it’s important to you to try to see if this thing can work.  
TG: and if she says ‘its specifically 2 avoid u’ what then  
TT: I don’t think that’s likely.  
TT: But if she does, then it’s her fucking loss.  
TT: You’re amazing, Roxy.  
TT: Anyone would be lucky to have you.  
TG: aw shucks  
TT: I’m serious.  
TT: Remember when we had the whole group bonding thing in the heart of a self-destructing planet?  
TT: It kind of rubbed off on me, I think I’ve learned how to be motivational.  
TG: the old dirk wouldve built a ‘how 2 date’ robot and unleashed it rite  
TT: And then the robot would steal your girl, and I would be in the shit again.  
TT: I’ve learned my lesson.  
TG: thx  
TG: ill give it a try 4 u ok  
TG: and if u want my input i vote pick the recipe w/ the cutest baby pictures in the anecdote  


You must draft a hundred opening lines. Maybe you even would have sent one of them eventually, but Aradia beats you to it, showing up on the front porch one day without bothering to tell anyone she was coming home. You’re alone in the living room watching My Cat From Hell, so you’re the first one to see her.

“Hi Roxy!” she says, and you nearly throw the remote across the room.

“Oh. Hey.” You fumble with the buttons until you find mute. This isn’t what you planned for. You’d kinda assumed when you worked up the guts to talk to her it’d be through chat. Face to face is more vulnerable. She’ll be able to see what your expression does instead of what you choose to reveal with carefully selected typography. You can’t even do a :/ in real life that easily.

“Did I miss anything?” She takes off her goofy Indiana Jones hat and tosses it discus-style onto an armchair.

“Nothing much.” You’d come up with something witty but, uh, comeback machine broke. Now there’s a meme you can’t use without getting blank stares.

She nods. “I found another new world with the game. Want to check it out?”

She’s acting like nothing’s changed. That rankles you. “If you found it already, you don’t need me.”

“I don’t need you, but it’s not as fun on my own. I thought you might like to come.”

You point toward the armchair. “You put your hat down. You’re not going to stay at all? In and out, just like that?”

“Are you upset?”

“No. I… You still… want to hang out?”

“Why wouldn’t I?” Her wings flutter. That’s a tic you’ve noticed with Davesprite too – he tucks and untucks them when he’s nervous, an adaptation of Dave interlacing his fingers. Is she on edge?

“Well, you kinda bailed. And we’d just…” Argued? Split? “I thought it might be my fault.”

“Of course not.” Her wings are really jittery now. A lock of hair blows forward, and she reaches up to tuck it back. “It gets a little much down here sometimes.”

“Guess a crash course in human life was too much for any of us.”

“It was kind of overwhelming.” She smiles. “But it was fun too. I’d like to do it again sometime.”

Wait, what? “Like, in general, or you mean with me?”

“You did an excellent job as tour guide last time. I’m sure you can find more to show me.”

Is she flirting? She delivers every line so on the level it’s impossible to tell. “Uh, well, name the date,” you say. “There’s a whole damn world and I haven’t seen most of it either.”

“I’ll be in touch.” Her wings finally settle and fade into nothing. “Now I’d better see whether Sollux has converted my room into a file cabinet again.”

It’s only once she’s gone that you realize you didn’t do any of the things Dirk suggested. You still don’t know why she keeps leaving. You told her you weren’t upset. Sheesh. Maybe you need to visit Nix again so your own personal snake goddess can tell you how much you suck.

           

Time passes. You’ve learned to recognize the first few bars of Never Gonna Give You Up on a treble staff. Jane snags her license. Calliope’s Halloween costume is a hit. You don’t know what you and Aradia are. She still comes and goes without warning. When she’s around, you’ve taken her a few places – to an arcade, to the zoo. The outings are fun, but you’ve never even taken her hand for anything but transportation purposes. What’s the point of getting close to someone who might not be there tomorrow? The last time, she’d said, “I had fun!” and you’d said, “Yeah, me too” and shoved your hands into your pockets. She’d looked almost disappointed, but what was she expecting? Sollux has been giving you dirty looks. You give him dirtier ones right back. If he thinks you’re toying with his bffsy’s heart, he can take it up with her.

December 21 is drawing near. Some crackpots with a big following insist the Mayan’s calendar ends here and, rather than doing any research whatsoever, have assumed the world is ending. You don’t remember which of you suggested an apocalypse survivors party as a joke, but it caught on, and at some point as the concept snowballed it gained sincerity. It’s 2012. The world already ended, although only you and a few friends know. The world was gone, and it came back, and you’re still here. You’re all still here.

Plus, it gets rid of the problem of picking which cultural holiday to celebrate all together.

You stay close to home to help with preparations, and Aradia sets a personal record staying put for over two weeks straight. John insists on showing the trolls every holiday movie he can get his hands on for cultural immersion, and you and Jake now have to put up with choruses of “You’ll shoot your eye out”. Rose and Dave are having a truly horrendous ugly sweater competition. The 21st rolls around, and while a bunch of tinfoil hat enthusiasts are expecting the world go up in flames, you party. Jade has strewn greenery yanked from the woods everywhere. Kanaya found some ornate candlesticks at a thrift shop that elevate the table’s style, even if a few people have already almost set their sleeves on fire. Karkat gets weepy giving an impromptu speech, and you all cheer to cover your own watery eyes. You made it. You really did.

Calliope breaks the tension by unveiling an actual physical scrapbook she’s been putting together out of pictures copied from phones and snapped in secret. There are green cherub thumbs in a few corners, but that adds to their charm. The group spends a few minutes flipping through the pages documenting the last eight months. There’s Jake posing on one of the statues in the museum’s sculpture garden (directly before near-apprehension by museum security). There’s Dirk and Dave in their matching fake college hoodies, which spurred a flurry of copycat orders. There’s Jane sweating bullets behind the wheel while her dad gives her an encouraging fatherly thumbs up. It’s your lives for the past nine months, flat on paper with decorative paper framing. After your first sixteen years, it’s amazing that a life can be so full.

 

Most people clear out of the dining room after that, although at some point Jade will strongarm people into tag teaming the dishes. Jake is trying to convince John that _Pacific Rim_ is the perfect film for the season, even if it won’t officially come out for another year. Davesprite keeps ambushing people with a camera.

You pick up your glass (sparkling cider, of course; you cleared the local grocery store out of their selection) and slip outside. The bright lights from inside stream out into the shadowy backyard. You tilt the glass and let the last few carbonated drops trickle into the dead grass. “Happy apocalypse day,” you mutter.

“Same to you.”

You jump, and the glass tinkles to the ground. “Shit, you scared me.”

Aradia’s smile fades. She’s leaning up against the side of the house, her dark hair merging into the shadows. “I thought you knew I was here. Who were you talking to?”

You shrug and bend down to pick up the glass. There’s a chip in the rim. “It’s stupid.”

“Doubt it.”

“It is.”

“Dare you to tell me.”

“I was talking to the other Roxy. Dead Roxy.” You look up at the sky with its strange new stars. “She’d hate to miss a party like this.”

Aradia walks over to join you in contemplation of the heavens. This close, her body heat chases off the chill. “I like to think the dead go somewhere happy. It makes up for some of the unhappiness here.”

“Are you unhappy?”

“No, I can’t complain.”

You try to remember when she slipped out here. After dinner? She’d had a ball with the party blowers and hit Sollux a few times on the nose. “Why are you out here?”

“I was thinking about leaving. I’ve been here for a few weeks.”

“But it’s holiday season!”

“There’s so much left to see. Lots and lots of planets, and the past and future of all of them. They’re waiting for me.”

“Let them wait.”

Aradia folds her arms over her chest. It’s cold out – the warmth from the party is leaching off your skin. With her body temperature, does she feel it?

“Why do you keep running away?” you ask. “You said you like to tell the truth. And I want to understand. See, Jake was always running away, because we were putting so much pressure on him and he didn’t know how to deal. That didn’t mean he didn’t want to hang with us, he was just getting the social version of a DDOS attack. So if it’s really because you like it better out there than down here, I can live with that. I’ll stop bothering you. But if it’s something I can change… I’d like to help. I’d like to see you stay.”

Aradia sighs. Her breath streams out in a puff of white. “No one told me to guide the dead,” she says. “It’s something I decided to do, and I was good at it. The furthest ring is strange at first, but heroes of our Aspects master it quickly. I mastered my friends too. I knew exactly what they need and what to say to them. I don’t anymore.” She glances behind you, where silhouettes move behind the sliding glass door. “This... all this, even them, it’s new. I’m not sure I’m good at it.”

Living together means sometimes you overhear conversations you shouldn’t. A month or so ago, one of your pictures toppled off the windowsill, and you’d gone rooting around behind the bushes looking for it when you heard Aradia and Terezi walking by. Terezi snapped, “I didn’t ask to be part of another of your handholding therapy sessions.”    

You sunk deeper into the bushes and cloaked yourself in void. This sounded like a bad time for Terezi to sniff you out. “I thought it might help,” Aradia replied.

“I don’t need help. I know all that stuff about guilt and responsibility. I just need to be sad for a while. Remember sad? You used to brood all the time in our session when you weren’t breaking things as destruction therapy.” Shit, this was definitely something you shouldn’t be overhearing.

“I’m sorry.” Aradia’s tone stayed level. “Other versions of you were happy to hear what I had to say.”

“I bet they were.” Terezi groaned, and you could imagine her pressing her fingers to her forehead. “I know you want to be nice. After the last few sweeps it’s sweet someone does. I was in a bad place, and I would have appreciated this then, but now I need a chance to get over it on my own. We’re not the dreamers you spent so much time with. The same solutions won’t work with us. I appreciate it, but it’s frustrating when you’re treating me like a machine that you can punch the right combination of platitudes into and a happy ending will pop out.” She’d paused, and when Aradia stayed silent, said, “That sounded mean, didn’t it? I’m not very good at being nice. I’m sure you picked that up.”

“You’ve given me things to think about,” Aradia said. She didn’t sound angry. She never has.

“Yeah, and I’ll think about what you’ve said too, but mostly I need time. The kind even you heroes can’t give me.”

“If I can ever help –”

Terezi nodded. “I know where to find you. Well, sometimes.”

After she went inside, Aradia stayed in the backyard long enough for your back to ache. Then she spread her wings and took off. You didn’t see her again for weeks.

 

Is that what this is about? Is that why she keeps leaving? Because she doesn’t know how to act, and she’s afraid of messing up? You think back to the few times you’d made it clear she’d hit a wrong note, the way she’d tensed up and got uncertain. Can you forget what it’s like to live in realtime, without cheatcodes at the ready and the ability to reverse and try again? It’s kind of like when John had taken the training wheels off your bike, and you’d crashed more trying to be extra careful. What you have to do is go faster to keep your balance.

“I’m not good at any of this either,” you say. “I spent the first few weeks of our victory lap getting the shakes from booze withdrawal again. I get nightmares most nights – not deep meaningful coherent shit, I don’t even remember most of it, but I wake up freaked out. My kids are here and they’re people who are messed up too and I want to help them but god, I’m not a therapist, I can’t even help myself. And who the _fuck_ knows how a checkbook works.” You flick the rim of the glass and it chimes. “It’s been months and I still kinda want a drink.”

“I’ve never met another you,” she says. “I don’t know what to say.”

“None of us have done this before. We’re all... fucking up for the first time. Out there you were like... replaying the same levels of a game over and over because you knew all the tricks, but sometime you have to move on and click a dialog option without knowing what it’ll do. Sure, sometimes you’ll make a mortal enemy or fail a quest, but sometimes you won’t.” You scuff your foot over the damp patch in the dirt that’s all that’s left of your libation. “We can’t keep thinking about dead people all the time. And tracking down the game… it’s important, but this here matters too.” This is turning out cheesier than the party platter you ordered for tonight, but it’s too late to back down now. “You… matter to me. Maybe I don’t know you that well, or know what makes you happy in a million universes or tidbits like that, but I’d like to. I’d like you to stay. The dead are dead, and the future’s coming. No one can stop it. But the present’s here. And it’s the holidays. That’s the best time for presents.”

That gets you a little smile. “Time puns _are_ my weakness.”

“I’ve got an endless supply of dumb jokes, I promise.” You reach out and put a hand on her shoulder. Shit, she’s warm. “We have forever, but we’re only gonna be sixteen once. Do you want to spend all of it in outer space missing dead people?”

“ I’m done with dying,” she says.

“Wanna give living a try?”

Both of you are hit with a bright flash of light that leaves you jerking away and blinking stars out of your vision.

“Hope that turns out,” Davesprite says. “I alchemized a fuckin nova flash. I call it the retinablaster 5000 and it’s a leading cause in early onset vision loss.”

“Don’t make me sorry I birthed you,” you say, rubbing your eyes. You hadn’t even heard the sliding door open. As a professional sneak, you’re falling down on the job. Rogues shouldn’t get taken by surprise.

“You didn’t. John birthed us all out of slime and I bet he regrets it every single day of his life. Jake won the arm wrestling contest and Terezi says using Hope powers isn’t cheating because of course she favors being underhanded, so he’s putting in your future-pirated movie. We’re saving you seats, unless you guys want to stay out here freezing your asses off.”

“We were having a moment,” you say, with as much haughtiness as you can muster.

“Oh, one of those. Well, we’re not holding off on pressing play, so finish it up.” He slides the glass door closed, and the noise from inside dies down. The lights from the kitchen still spill out onto the dead grass, painting it gold. It’s the kind of little detail Aradia likes. She looks at it quietly.

“You can’t miss Pacific Rim,” you say. “It’s a must-see.”

 “Really?”

“Yeah, it’s about friendship and science and cancelling the apocalypse, which are all part of the reason for the season. Plus there’s robots with sickass swords, and what else do you need from a feature film?”

“Someone to watch it with.”

“That helps,” you agree, and hold out your hand. “Come in and stay a while?”

She grabs it, and her warmth chases the winter chill away. “I think I will.”

 


End file.
